first week of Mystery shopping!!

Trying to bring in a few extra bucks and a reason to get out of the house….(yes, I am one of those twin moms who looks for reasons to leave the house) I sort of stumbled into mystery shopping. or like I think of it undercover secret agent shopper!
I made it one whole week!
haven’t made any money yet, but its only been a week.
and I have a new plan!!! I opened up a Etsy shop…. well I think I did.
And as we speak I am putting a list of things to make and sell! I am starting to feel human again.
starting to sleep again
starting to breath again. Who knows what will happen. but I got up today and took a freaking shower, put on some eyeliner and left the house for two hours!
so yeah I won!
baby steps

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Aside

working with out a net

The idea of having more kids after the being a single parent for  19 years is so such a silly idea!! What the hell was I thinking?

  What happened to the romantic notion of falling madly crazy in love in your late 30’s and getting married and having one last baby who would be the best of both you, with a beautiful family photo over the fireplace of his daughter and my son and our baby?? 

I will tell you what the hell happened! The 135 pounds I worked over a year to lose came flying back on with the announcement that not only was I pregnant at the ripe of 39 but I was having twins… Twin boys!! The overly sensitive step daughter who loved me before the pregnancy became resentful, my 19 year old son started feeling replaced,  the perfect man that I fell madly in love with was working on the road 5 days a week and I simply hurt. My pelvis started hurting 4 weeks in, my hips started about week 13, my wrist and arms started aching with pregnancy on set carpel tunnel week 16 , walking became a waddle by 22 weeks and sleeping and laying down became impossible by week 29!

After all is said and done I had beautiful healthy twin boys at 35 weeks 1 day.  They weighed 7.4 pounds and 6.15 pounds! They never visited the nicu and  they were perfect and loved. 

Then shit got real, daddy went back to work so I was home recovering from a c-section and twin boys who were on a strict 3 hour feeding schedule between changing them , feeding them, burping them pumping for next feeding , putting twins down to sleep and getting stuff cleaned and ready for next feeding I had about a hour and half to eat, sleep, shower or do housework! I’ll be honest there were many times I just stared into space Half asleep half awake unsure of even what day it was. 

You know what the problem is with having babies so late in life…. Your tired and you don’t move or health as fast. I had twins and fell into a deep depression. Unfortunately it took 2 1/2 years for me to recognize that there was a problem and the problem  was getting worse all the time. It went from not going to the grocery store to having anxiety that I would lose a child that I didn’t go outside and I didn’t go anywhere. I was alone but I wasn’t really alone I had these two beautiful little human beings that needed my attention my time and my patients. And they needed it at the same exact time! 

So now we began again. Trying to figure out my place.  How do I raise to wild unique Hilarious toddler boys and come out sane? 

Side note! I tired it and don’t like it! Trying to write on the mobile site sucks!! I need my computer back soon or Elmo gets it!

shooting stars

My father walked in the front door behind my mother, one more out of the place thing that my 12 year old brain was trying to process. The 1st being walking home from school to find my grandmother watching my young sisters, waiting for my brother and I. Any normal day my father would be there getting ready for work and I would be expected to watch my sisters and brother as left for work and before my mother came home. I suppose there had been other things that day that were different, like the way my teachers were looking at me speaking to me slowly, patiently. In fact my 6th grade teacher hadn’t even made a fuss when I explained I hadn’t finished the homework. He just calmly looked at me and said “I understand” As I stood in the hallway holding my 2-year-old sisters hand I looked at my father and I saw it. There was tears in his eyes. I started to feel sick. I had never before seen him cry, never saw him show any sort of sadness.  I knew what it was, the thing that my parents both had promised was no big deal, both made me belive was just a big misunderstanding, tried to shield my brother and sisters from was now all over the news. I could hear the television in the background. The reporter spinning tales of wrongdoing and reporting the court’s decision.

I looked at my father who was staring back at me and simply said ” guilty, they found me guilty”

That was the moment that my world collapsed. I didn’t see it at the time, because I simply didn’t know that marriages ended and families could become permanently broken. I didn’t know that there were mothers who couldn’t get out of bed for days and that fathers didn’t come home. I didn’t know the cruelty of people who you knew your whole life treating you different or pretending not to know you. I had yet to what it felt like to watch the police search your home and reporters interviewing your neighbors. Or how horrible it would feel to be laughed at and talked about. No, I didn’t know any of those things yet. I had been naive, I was innocent. Until that moment my world had been what I can only describe now as a fairytale. With long hot summers of lemonade stands, swimming, bike riding and forts, fall was an exciting new school year Halloween customs and a house full of family on thanksgiving. Santa was still the guest of honor and magically made every christmas wish come true. And my biggest worry was if Bryan Flagger liked me too.

However, I would soon find out how ugly the world can be. I would see first hand the collapse of a family. I would feel the pain and confusion of walking away from our home, our family and our life. I would soon become numb to the feeling of lose, my eyes would burn from all the tears, my heart soon be broken, my body simply tired of trying to hold a shattered family together and in time I would find hard to trust anyone.

I have often wondered if at that moment if one tiny word had been added, if my father had simply said ” NOT guilty” what alternate life would I have had? would I have gone to the same high school as my parents? would I have dated Bryan flagger. would I have gone college with the rest of my friends? would I have had the chance to get to know my grandparents? would I still believe in happy endings? and would my father and I still be laying out under the night sky watching for shooting stars?

been awhile…. not really sure why I stopped writing not really sure why for the past week I have been thinking more and more about starting it again….the kid took some bumps and brusies … but is landing on his feet… my sister had the twins and they are amazing, beautiful and perfect

 

 

invisible ink…

I have always wanted a delicate inside wrist tattoo. Originally I wanted just one word on the inside of each wrist but I found this I don’t what you call it saying maybe .. ” strength today … hope tomorrow…

I never got any tattoos that could be seen before because one I couldn’t afford it and another people were already judgmental of the Kid and I situation … I didn’t want to give them any ammo! 

but he is gone and its time for a new start so I decided to get them….

so as a birthday present from my best friend I went and got them..

inside left wrist …. strength today

inside right wrist … hope tomorrow

..OMG it hurt… LOL but it felt awesome… like I was really starting to make my own path…

within a week…. the tattoos are almost competely invisible… i can’t believe it! 

they are gone!

I have one other tattoo that is fine … so I know its not the ink or that body is rejecting it…

I don’t know what happened….

but you know … its funny … cause that is exactly how I am feeling right now… completely invisible … Sarah is home.. and even though she is only barely 4 months pregnant she is so playing the part!! 

Dad  and the gang were here on Sunday for a family dinner! HORRIBLE!… as we all sat there my father started talking about how he wants us kids to make sean (baby daddy) to feel welcome make him feel part of the family… and that he would be apart of our family forever ..he went on to say he wants  sean and him to become fishing buddies …!! 

I sat there listening to him go on and on… my brother and sisters agreeing and as I am looking around at them I literally yelling in my head ” HEELLLOOOO ANYONE REMEMBER MY HUSBAND? ” 

I stared wide eyed at my father… tears started filling my eyes… I kept thinking you bastard….

being the oldest child and daughter … when I met Bruce… I was so so happy … I had never been loved and wanted or desired the way he did.  Bruce was a good man… I knew with him I would never be rich or have mansion… but I didn’t care ..I just wanted us to grow old together…

due to alot of guilt trips put on me by my father.. Bruce and I lived with him after we got married …. he would  purposely tested my loyalty to him …. the stress was killing my relationship… due to a lay off … and lack of jobs Bruce had a hard time finding work… he started drinking… 
one day I was taken from work straight to emergency room…. it was stress… Bruce said he couldn’t watch me suffer… and the next day he moved out… I thought we were going to work it out…I always thought we were going to be back together….

it didn’t work out that way….

so as I sat there listening to my father talk about sarah’s boyfriend… my heart was breaking all over… I couldn’t take it..I got up and went to the bedroom…. 

when I called my mom she said that everyone knew what he did… and she was sorry she couldn’t stop it..

yep…

sorry … sorry sorry! 

3 years later I still miss him so much it hurts…. but he has moved on… 

and 3 years later I am still the invisible girl.. I don’t belong here anymore… 

 

 

He is leaving….

so this the week..

the week that Sam my only child … is moving…going to start his life…. isn’t that awesome! of course it is…. but… what happens the day after he leaves?  I was at oaks park with friends and holding Juliabean sitting waiting for T to finish riding… sitting on the bench next to me there were a couple of women and we starting to talking about kids and blah blah and when I told them that my only child is leaving moving one of the woman said to “OMG what are you going to do? he has been your whole life? your going to be completely alone ”

That is about the time I felt like someone just punched me in the gut! I am going to be alone…..

alone…..

I looked at the woman… and thought good thing I am not suicidal …  LOL

 

 

ok ok so I am late

so its been almost 30 days since I turned 38 and I haven’t started really using this…

but there has been alot going on.

I have been so darn sick… had to go hospital … starting to feel better still get tired pretty easily

Sam is leaving … not going to Americorp..*** he got a job in Newport… on the fishing boats… I am trying to be OK with this… but I think he will be OK… I know he will be OK… its just that Americorp was sort of a safety net…. there is no safety net in Newport…

Sarah is pregnant and having twins and moving back here

I made up with Brit.

Manny and I aren’t talking…

started a new job… and trying to figure out what the hell I am supposed to do the day after sam’ leaves…

Bruce has started emailing…

and I said goodbye to U.K.

can you believe it.. I can’t either

never thought I would have  enough courage … guts… balls to say goodbye

I keep thinking about that saying or poem that says you have to let go

and if they come back… blah, blah blah

maybe if I let go and maybe if I do the right thing and have a little faith maybe one day he will show up … with that amazing cocky smile of his … and that great accent… and for once in a really long time I won’t feel completely alone…

so the day that U.K, and had this ( what would you call that? break up? no? um? I know ) new understanding… Aaron called..

as I looked at the phone and saw his nam I looked up at the Heavens and said out loud ” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? YOU DO WANT ME TO GO INSANE DON’T YOU?”

I would say with confidence this  conversation was different then the normal ones we have had….

he started… I miss you… I am thinking about you… blah blah blah

I thought what was funny was…. I just fucking let go… of someone I am sure loves me… someone I know for sure wants me…

and here is Aaron…  trying to play both fields ….

I did listen to him. listened to him try to explain to me how he was trying to keep his marriage together… I then asked a simple question… ” how is calling me …helping you keep your marriage together?”

he didn’t seem to have a response to that…

I told him the truth…. That I didn’t think it would be a good idea for us to see each… that he made his choice 5 months ago… he choose …. I accepted it… I have moved on …

he needed to…

I keep thinking … that if I had not been introduced to Aaron and spent time with him … I would never really be in this situation with U.K.

I would never have let him get that close to  me … would have ran a lot earlier.

I was pretty confused I called a friend and he has always been extremely honest with me… something I needed desperately and he really helped me figure it out… He made me feel like I wasn’t going crazy… I am blessed in many ways and my friends are one of my most cherished blessings

So because I have been sick I haven’t been weighing in … I don’t think it should count… but I am feeling better so yes yes yes I will get back on track…I am scared of looking… i mean I haven’t worked out in almost 3 weeks…. it can’t be good

so plan for tonight… slowly (other wise I get all dizzy) finish laundry…. start the new drawing …this is a sugar skull with roses and a owl… lets see if I can pull that one off shall we!!

ready set …go!

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