invisible ink…

I have always wanted a delicate inside wrist tattoo. Originally I wanted just one word on the inside of each wrist but I found this I don’t what you call it saying maybe .. ” strength today … hope tomorrow…

I never got any tattoos that could be seen before because one I couldn’t afford it and another people were already judgmental of the Kid and I situation … I didn’t want to give them any ammo! 

but he is gone and its time for a new start so I decided to get them….

so as a birthday present from my best friend I went and got them..

inside left wrist …. strength today

inside right wrist … hope tomorrow

..OMG it hurt… LOL but it felt awesome… like I was really starting to make my own path…

within a week…. the tattoos are almost competely invisible… i can’t believe it! 

they are gone!

I have one other tattoo that is fine … so I know its not the ink or that body is rejecting it…

I don’t know what happened….

but you know … its funny … cause that is exactly how I am feeling right now… completely invisible … Sarah is home.. and even though she is only barely 4 months pregnant she is so playing the part!! 

Dad  and the gang were here on Sunday for a family dinner! HORRIBLE!… as we all sat there my father started talking about how he wants us kids to make sean (baby daddy) to feel welcome make him feel part of the family… and that he would be apart of our family forever ..he went on to say he wants  sean and him to become fishing buddies …!! 

I sat there listening to him go on and on… my brother and sisters agreeing and as I am looking around at them I literally yelling in my head ” HEELLLOOOO ANYONE REMEMBER MY HUSBAND? ” 

I stared wide eyed at my father… tears started filling my eyes… I kept thinking you bastard….

being the oldest child and daughter … when I met Bruce… I was so so happy … I had never been loved and wanted or desired the way he did.  Bruce was a good man… I knew with him I would never be rich or have mansion… but I didn’t care ..I just wanted us to grow old together…

due to alot of guilt trips put on me by my father.. Bruce and I lived with him after we got married …. he would  purposely tested my loyalty to him …. the stress was killing my relationship… due to a lay off … and lack of jobs Bruce had a hard time finding work… he started drinking… 
one day I was taken from work straight to emergency room…. it was stress… Bruce said he couldn’t watch me suffer… and the next day he moved out… I thought we were going to work it out…I always thought we were going to be back together….

it didn’t work out that way….

so as I sat there listening to my father talk about sarah’s boyfriend… my heart was breaking all over… I couldn’t take it..I got up and went to the bedroom…. 

when I called my mom she said that everyone knew what he did… and she was sorry she couldn’t stop it..

yep…

sorry … sorry sorry! 

3 years later I still miss him so much it hurts…. but he has moved on… 

and 3 years later I am still the invisible girl.. I don’t belong here anymore… 

 

 

He is leaving….

so this the week..

the week that Sam my only child … is moving…going to start his life…. isn’t that awesome! of course it is…. but… what happens the day after he leaves?  I was at oaks park with friends and holding Juliabean sitting waiting for T to finish riding… sitting on the bench next to me there were a couple of women and we starting to talking about kids and blah blah and when I told them that my only child is leaving moving one of the woman said to “OMG what are you going to do? he has been your whole life? your going to be completely alone ”

That is about the time I felt like someone just punched me in the gut! I am going to be alone…..

alone…..

I looked at the woman… and thought good thing I am not suicidal …  LOL

 

 

ok ok so I am late

so its been almost 30 days since I turned 38 and I haven’t started really using this…

but there has been alot going on.

I have been so darn sick… had to go hospital … starting to feel better still get tired pretty easily

Sam is leaving … not going to Americorp..*** he got a job in Newport… on the fishing boats… I am trying to be OK with this… but I think he will be OK… I know he will be OK… its just that Americorp was sort of a safety net…. there is no safety net in Newport…

Sarah is pregnant and having twins and moving back here

I made up with Brit.

Manny and I aren’t talking…

started a new job… and trying to figure out what the hell I am supposed to do the day after sam’ leaves…

Bruce has started emailing…

and I said goodbye to U.K.

can you believe it.. I can’t either

never thought I would have  enough courage … guts… balls to say goodbye

I keep thinking about that saying or poem that says you have to let go

and if they come back… blah, blah blah

maybe if I let go and maybe if I do the right thing and have a little faith maybe one day he will show up … with that amazing cocky smile of his … and that great accent… and for once in a really long time I won’t feel completely alone…

so the day that U.K, and had this ( what would you call that? break up? no? um? I know ) new understanding… Aaron called..

as I looked at the phone and saw his nam I looked up at the Heavens and said out loud ” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? YOU DO WANT ME TO GO INSANE DON’T YOU?”

I would say with confidence this  conversation was different then the normal ones we have had….

he started… I miss you… I am thinking about you… blah blah blah

I thought what was funny was…. I just fucking let go… of someone I am sure loves me… someone I know for sure wants me…

and here is Aaron…  trying to play both fields ….

I did listen to him. listened to him try to explain to me how he was trying to keep his marriage together… I then asked a simple question… ” how is calling me …helping you keep your marriage together?”

he didn’t seem to have a response to that…

I told him the truth…. That I didn’t think it would be a good idea for us to see each… that he made his choice 5 months ago… he choose …. I accepted it… I have moved on …

he needed to…

I keep thinking … that if I had not been introduced to Aaron and spent time with him … I would never really be in this situation with U.K.

I would never have let him get that close to  me … would have ran a lot earlier.

I was pretty confused I called a friend and he has always been extremely honest with me… something I needed desperately and he really helped me figure it out… He made me feel like I wasn’t going crazy… I am blessed in many ways and my friends are one of my most cherished blessings

So because I have been sick I haven’t been weighing in … I don’t think it should count… but I am feeling better so yes yes yes I will get back on track…I am scared of looking… i mean I haven’t worked out in almost 3 weeks…. it can’t be good

so plan for tonight… slowly (other wise I get all dizzy) finish laundry…. start the new drawing …this is a sugar skull with roses and a owl… lets see if I can pull that one off shall we!!

ready set …go!