ok ok so I am late

so its been almost 30 days since I turned 38 and I haven’t started really using this…

but there has been alot going on.

I have been so darn sick… had to go hospital … starting to feel better still get tired pretty easily

Sam is leaving … not going to Americorp..*** he got a job in Newport… on the fishing boats… I am trying to be OK with this… but I think he will be OK… I know he will be OK… its just that Americorp was sort of a safety net…. there is no safety net in Newport…

Sarah is pregnant and having twins and moving back here

I made up with Brit.

Manny and I aren’t talking…

started a new job… and trying to figure out what the hell I am supposed to do the day after sam’ leaves…

Bruce has started emailing…

and I said goodbye to U.K.

can you believe it.. I can’t either

never thought I would have  enough courage … guts… balls to say goodbye

I keep thinking about that saying or poem that says you have to let go

and if they come back… blah, blah blah

maybe if I let go and maybe if I do the right thing and have a little faith maybe one day he will show up … with that amazing cocky smile of his … and that great accent… and for once in a really long time I won’t feel completely alone…

so the day that U.K, and had this ( what would you call that? break up? no? um? I know ) new understanding… Aaron called..

as I looked at the phone and saw his nam I looked up at the Heavens and said out loud ” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? YOU DO WANT ME TO GO INSANE DON’T YOU?”

I would say with confidence this  conversation was different then the normal ones we have had….

he started… I miss you… I am thinking about you… blah blah blah

I thought what was funny was…. I just fucking let go… of someone I am sure loves me… someone I know for sure wants me…

and here is Aaron…  trying to play both fields ….

I did listen to him. listened to him try to explain to me how he was trying to keep his marriage together… I then asked a simple question… ” how is calling me …helping you keep your marriage together?”

he didn’t seem to have a response to that…

I told him the truth…. That I didn’t think it would be a good idea for us to see each… that he made his choice 5 months ago… he choose …. I accepted it… I have moved on …

he needed to…

I keep thinking … that if I had not been introduced to Aaron and spent time with him … I would never really be in this situation with U.K.

I would never have let him get that close to  me … would have ran a lot earlier.

I was pretty confused I called a friend and he has always been extremely honest with me… something I needed desperately and he really helped me figure it out… He made me feel like I wasn’t going crazy… I am blessed in many ways and my friends are one of my most cherished blessings

So because I have been sick I haven’t been weighing in … I don’t think it should count… but I am feeling better so yes yes yes I will get back on track…I am scared of looking… i mean I haven’t worked out in almost 3 weeks…. it can’t be good

so plan for tonight… slowly (other wise I get all dizzy) finish laundry…. start the new drawing …this is a sugar skull with roses and a owl… lets see if I can pull that one off shall we!!

ready set …go!

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