A friend once asked….?

A friend once asked what is your passion at that time I had not picked up my sketch book in years. I was exhausted, I hadn’t had my hair or nails done in over 3 years. At I couldn’t remember the last time I had even shaved my legs or put on eye liner. I was a mere shell of who I was just a few short years ago. There was no one to blame, it was my own fault. There were many opportunities to get out for some me time. That I always refused because the twins needed me.

I ran into a this friend and when he asked me the question I was embarrassed. Not only did I have no idea anymore what I was passionate about, I wasn’t sure what who I was.

I started slowly drawing again, I was embarrassed how much I had forgotten. I was never formally trained, it had just been me a sketch most the time and I would draw the same thing over and over until the paper matches the picture in my head.

This time it’s harder, it’s taking longer. But, I am starting to see a light, starting to be excited over the finished project…and people seem to like them.. now if I could only figure out how make a little money off them so I can keep buying paint






Screw you !!!

Screw you! That’s right screw you. I just read a post about a woman who was a new mother of twins, she was writing about her first week home with her little bundles of perfection. She stated that even though her twins were on a 3 hour feeding schedule, she found her self bored!!! WHAT??? Are you freaking kidding me? So my response was

I am reading this laughing, as I am hiding in the bathroom from my 4 year old twin boys. I remember the first year, they were on a 3 hour feeding schedule as well, from wake-up, to diaper changes for both, to try to breastfeed both babies then supplementing, and getting both back down took about 90 minutes. So with my 90 minutes I could sleep, eat , clean, or breathe. I was completely alone 5 days a week as my husband travelled for work. After week 4 I was a mess. I didnt go anywhere and all of my friends seem to be too busy except for one . When I read about other twin moms who had everything together that first year, I wonder did they do it alone? Where they over 40? Did they have post partum depression? What was the secret? what did I do wrong?

That’s what I started …. but taking a minute, rereading it, and checking on my lil pirates, I deleted it. It sounds childish, bitchy, and I realized who this woman was she was the alpha mom. The mom who was leader of the pack at play groups, the mom who literally had a pack of messy moms following her and her top of the line overly priced stroller around the play ground hoping to get a little bit of whatever alpha mom was handing out that day. She had perfect family photos displayed in her perfect, clean, super organized house. Her children were perfect, sweet and were never dirty. She never bounced a check, ran out of milk, or had a bad hair day. For she was the alpha mom.

As I was cleaning cheerios out of the couch it dawned on me that Alpha mom was probably in her early 30s late 20s judging by her picture, these twins were her first kids, she was still running on adrenaline!!!! Alpha mom hasn’t hit her wall yet, you know the wall, that you hit about 4-6 weeks into this adventure. When people stop coming over to help or bring you dinner. When the twins aren’t staying on schedules, and are waking each other up, when you no longer feel human because 4 hours of sleep in increments of 1 hour at a time is no longer enough sleep in a day. When you realize to go anywhere by yourself is such a freaking nightmare that you think it’s ok to run out of toliet paper because you have paper towels. That wall…we all have that wall.

So what was week 4 like for her? I wonder since there are no posts from her ?? I wonder if she made it. So to all alpha moms out there, I raise my cold coffee cup that has a gi joe floating in it to you, and wish you well.

first week of Mystery shopping!!

Trying to bring in a few extra bucks and a reason to get out of the house….(yes, I am one of those twin moms who looks for reasons to leave the house) I sort of stumbled into mystery shopping. or like I think of it undercover secret agent shopper!
I made it one whole week!
haven’t made any money yet, but its only been a week.
and I have a new plan!!! I opened up a Etsy shop…. well I think I did.
And as we speak I am putting a list of things to make and sell! I am starting to feel human again.
starting to sleep again
starting to breath again. Who knows what will happen. but I got up today and took a freaking shower, put on some eyeliner and left the house for two hours!
so yeah I won!
baby steps


working with out a net

The idea of having more kids after the being a single parent for  19 years is so such a silly idea!! What the hell was I thinking?

  What happened to the romantic notion of falling madly crazy in love in your late 30’s and getting married and having one last baby who would be the best of both you, with a beautiful family photo over the fireplace of his daughter and my son and our baby?? 

I will tell you what the hell happened! The 135 pounds I worked over a year to lose came flying back on with the announcement that not only was I pregnant at the ripe of 39 but I was having twins… Twin boys!! The overly sensitive step daughter who loved me before the pregnancy became resentful, my 19 year old son started feeling replaced,  the perfect man that I fell madly in love with was working on the road 5 days a week and I simply hurt. My pelvis started hurting 4 weeks in, my hips started about week 13, my wrist and arms started aching with pregnancy on set carpel tunnel week 16 , walking became a waddle by 22 weeks and sleeping and laying down became impossible by week 29!

After all is said and done I had beautiful healthy twin boys at 35 weeks 1 day.  They weighed 7.4 pounds and 6.15 pounds! They never visited the nicu and  they were perfect and loved. 

Then shit got real, daddy went back to work so I was home recovering from a c-section and twin boys who were on a strict 3 hour feeding schedule between changing them , feeding them, burping them pumping for next feeding , putting twins down to sleep and getting stuff cleaned and ready for next feeding I had about a hour and half to eat, sleep, shower or do housework! I’ll be honest there were many times I just stared into space Half asleep half awake unsure of even what day it was. 

You know what the problem is with having babies so late in life…. Your tired and you don’t move or health as fast. I had twins and fell into a deep depression. Unfortunately it took 2 1/2 years for me to recognize that there was a problem and the problem  was getting worse all the time. It went from not going to the grocery store to having anxiety that I would lose a child that I didn’t go outside and I didn’t go anywhere. I was alone but I wasn’t really alone I had these two beautiful little human beings that needed my attention my time and my patients. And they needed it at the same exact time! 

So now we began again. Trying to figure out my place.  How do I raise to wild unique Hilarious toddler boys and come out sane? 

Side note! I tired it and don’t like it! Trying to write on the mobile site sucks!! I need my computer back soon or Elmo gets it!

shooting stars

My father walked in the front door behind my mother, one more out of the place thing that my 12 year old brain was trying to process. The 1st being walking home from school to find my grandmother watching my young sisters, waiting for my brother and I. Any normal day my father would be there getting ready for work and I would be expected to watch my sisters and brother as left for work and before my mother came home. I suppose there had been other things that day that were different, like the way my teachers were looking at me speaking to me slowly, patiently. In fact my 6th grade teacher hadn’t even made a fuss when I explained I hadn’t finished the homework. He just calmly looked at me and said “I understand” As I stood in the hallway holding my 2-year-old sisters hand I looked at my father and I saw it. There was tears in his eyes. I started to feel sick. I had never before seen him cry, never saw him show any sort of sadness.  I knew what it was, the thing that my parents both had promised was no big deal, both made me belive was just a big misunderstanding, tried to shield my brother and sisters from was now all over the news. I could hear the television in the background. The reporter spinning tales of wrongdoing and reporting the court’s decision.

I looked at my father who was staring back at me and simply said ” guilty, they found me guilty”

That was the moment that my world collapsed. I didn’t see it at the time, because I simply didn’t know that marriages ended and families could become permanently broken. I didn’t know that there were mothers who couldn’t get out of bed for days and that fathers didn’t come home. I didn’t know the cruelty of people who you knew your whole life treating you different or pretending not to know you. I had yet to what it felt like to watch the police search your home and reporters interviewing your neighbors. Or how horrible it would feel to be laughed at and talked about. No, I didn’t know any of those things yet. I had been naive, I was innocent. Until that moment my world had been what I can only describe now as a fairytale. With long hot summers of lemonade stands, swimming, bike riding and forts, fall was an exciting new school year Halloween customs and a house full of family on thanksgiving. Santa was still the guest of honor and magically made every christmas wish come true. And my biggest worry was if Bryan Flagger liked me too.

However, I would soon find out how ugly the world can be. I would see first hand the collapse of a family. I would feel the pain and confusion of walking away from our home, our family and our life. I would soon become numb to the feeling of lose, my eyes would burn from all the tears, my heart soon be broken, my body simply tired of trying to hold a shattered family together and in time I would find hard to trust anyone.

I have often wondered if at that moment if one tiny word had been added, if my father had simply said ” NOT guilty” what alternate life would I have had? would I have gone to the same high school as my parents? would I have dated Bryan flagger. would I have gone college with the rest of my friends? would I have had the chance to get to know my grandparents? would I still believe in happy endings? and would my father and I still be laying out under the night sky watching for shooting stars?